WHY YO NO PUT UP THE LIGHT FRAG ?!?!..........OLYMPIC ORGANISERS
Rev. Terry Jones, the racist twat, has had to back down in his quest for a national Koran burning day in the US. After hearing that plans were afoot that a mosque might be being built on the Ground Zero sight in New York, the holy one decided that this was a good idea to show those Muslims that the United States Of America was still up for the fight in tackling the War On Terror.
Thankfully US President Barack Obama has persuaded the Rev. Fuckwit to change his stance, due to the extra subsequent dangers it would have brought on the US soldiers serving in Iraq and Afghanistan, and extra fueling the fire in Al Qaeda's bellies, and of course the fact that it is racist nonsense.
Hate preacher Anjem Choudary has issued a sick threat that Britain faces more home-grown terror attacks like 7/7.
The extremist cleric said the British public had "failed to learn the lessons" of the 2005 atrocity that killed 52 innocent people.
On the eve of the fifth anniversary of 7/7 Choudary, 42, said: "The public have not made progress to avoid another calamity befalling them. Rather, more fuel is being poured on to the fire.
"Unless the British withdraw all troops from Iraq and Afghanistan, no doubt we can expect more of the same."
Earlier this year Choudary - the former head of banned group Al-Muhajiroun - caused fury with plans for a Muslim parade in Wootton Bassett, Wilts, where fallen British servicemen are repatriated.
We know he was born in Britain, but he should be booted out of the country with immediate effect. As long as Twats like him are around and have a voice, then all the colours, creeds and cultures in our multi-cultural society will find it harder to get along and understand each other.
The Boyzone singer and allround goody-two-shoes, Ronan Keating has been chucked out of his house by his missus after she found him out having an affair with a blonde dancer. Now we don't take pleasure in seeing celebrities' marriages break down, but we do take a small amount of pleasure when it happens to someone like Keating.
There were three classic twats this week....a Steven Gerrard carefree backpass at Anfield more or less hands Chelsea the Premier League title....Sheffield Wednesday striker Leon Clarke equalises for the Owls in their relegation do-or-die match with Crystal Palace at Hillsborough, and then kicks the advertising hoardings in celebration: he fractures his toe, gets stretchered off, the match ends 2-2 and Wednesday are relegated....and finally in the Conference Play-Off semi-final 2nd leg between Luton and York, the away side go through to the final before the Luton home fans riot, resulting in the York players not being able to get down the tunnel. More pathetic was the York players cowering in the away stand with their shirts covering their heads and standing behind the stewards, as empty plastic soft drink bottles rain down on them.
The heartless Abacus Insurance firm has axed a £25,000 payout to crippled war hero Private Dave Tartlock, because he bravely managed to hobble out at Wembley with the Carling Cup.
Millions of TV viewers were touched as they saw the Final's guest of honour courageously cast his walking stick aside and limp on to the pitch carrying the trophy, before the Manchester Utd v Aston Villa final.
But also watching was a stony-faced clerk from Forces' insurers Abacus.
And the hard-hearted penpusher went straight into work next day and STOPPED the Afghanistan casualty's £25,000 claim for compensation for his appalling wounds.
John Lloyd has resigned as Great Britain's Davis Cup captain in the wake of the humiliating defeat by Lithuania.
Lloyd lost the last five of his eight ties, and Britain now face a play-off against Turkey to avoid relegation to the lowest tier of the competition. After Great Britain's humbling by Lithuania - a country with only three world-ranked singles players - Lawn Tennis Association (LTA) chief executive Roger Draper asked the organisation's player director Steven Martens to review the team's dismal performance.
The conclusions of that review will be heard later this month, but rather than wait to hear them Lloyd has opted to step down.
Great Britain fell to an embarrassing Davis Cup defeat after Dan Evans lost in five sets in the decisive singles match to hand Lithuania a 3-2 victory.
The 6-7 7-5 6-0 2-6 6-4 win for Laurynas Grigelis means Britain must now beat Turkey, who lost to Ireland, in a relegation play-off in July. The loser of that tie will drop into Europe/Africa Zone Group III - the lowest tier of the competition.
James Ward's loss to Ricardas Berankis meant the final rubber was decisive.
GB have faced a Europe/Africa Group II play-off before - 1995 when they beat Monaco 5-0 - but given the Lawn Tennis Association's annual £40m-plus budget, Sunday's defeat will raise questions about the future of team captain John Lloyd as well as chief executive Roger Draper.
Britain began the day 2-1 up but they must now face up to the embarrassment of coming unstuck against a country with only three world-ranked singles players and a team made up entirely of teenagers. Evans's defeat was his fourth in two Davis Cup appearances and comes against a player ranked 269 places below him at 521 in the world and who has never played a match on the ATP World Tour.
Ashley Cole is an easy choice for Twat of the Week, as basically he just is one. In true Tiger Woods fashion, the two-timing Cashley Cole has continually cheated on his stunning wife Cheryl Cole (pictured below leaving the US and arriving at Heathrow Airport) with at least five women (also pictured below), not fit enough to lace Cheryl's FMB's, which makes him a twat of the highest order. Lucky for the injured Chelsea star that he's the best left-back in England, and maybe even the world right now.
The Other Women
Andy Powell has been a bit of twat, but also a bit of a legend too! The Wales flanker has been arrested after allegedly taking a golf buggy from the hotel where he and his team-mates were staying and driving it towards a motorway, the BBC has reported. The incident is understood to have taken place hours after Wales' victory over Scotland in the Six Nations.
Powell, who plays for Cardiff Blues, was arrested with another man at 6am today, near junction 33 of the M4, a few miles outside Cardiff. According to South Wales Police, one of the men failed a breath test. It is not known which. Neither man has been charged.
The buggy is believed to have been taken from the Vale Hotel, Golf and Spa Resort, where the Wales team were based before the match against Scotland. The site of the arrest is approximately 4 miles from the hotel.
"South Wales Police can confirm that two 28-year-old males from the Brecon area were arrested on suspicion of taking and driving away a golf buggy," said a spokesman."One of those males subsequently failed a breath test."
Powell, 26, has made 14 appearances for Wales and was also a member of the Lions touring party to South Africa last year.
Subsequently Wales have dropped Powell from the national squad. Team manager Alan Phillips said: "This kind of behaviour cannot be tolerated."
Phillips revealed Powell has apologised to Wales' management and was also asked to apologise to the hotel management before being asked to leave the squad.
A Welsh Rugby Union statement read: "After discussions with the player himself, it has been decided by management that he should be suspended from the squad for behaviour contrary to the squad's code of conduct."
Phillips added: "We take matters of player conduct extremely seriously and have been happy with the professionalism and discipline of this squad in general terms. Andy knows he has misbehaved and is apologetic, but he also knows that he must take responsibility for his own actions and accept the repercussions. This kind of behaviour cannot be tolerated in a professional, elite sporting environment and we have acted quickly and incisively in order to leave no ambiguity over the dim view we take of this situation. The player has made his private apologies to the Welsh management team as well as apologising in a public statement and we have also asked him to apologise to the Vale Resort Hotel, before asking him to leave the squad. We will now leave the South Wales Police service to conclude the matter and we will be making no further public statements at this time."
Cardiff Blues chief executive Robert Norster said: "The news of what appears to be a bizarre but serious lack of judgement by one of our players whilst on national duty is of real concern. It seems, albeit from a distance, to have been a prank that has somehow gone dreadfully wrong with potentially very serious implications. Consequently, we fully accept and respect the WRU's understandable and prompt action to address the issue. Naturally, as this is an ongoing police matter, we will also not be commenting further at this time".
On Sunday's Scrum V, ex-Wales captains Phil Bennett, Robert Jones and Mike Hall suggested this may spell the end of his Wales career. "I think he [Powell] has gone," former British and Irish Lions three-quarter Hall told BBC Wales' Scrum V rugby programme. I don't see him featuring against France at all and I don't think this management team will put up with it. It's without question [enough reason to be dropped from the squad], an extremely stupid thing to do. He's a high profile public figure and I think [Wales coach] Warren Gatland will come down on him like a ton of bricks."
The player was also bailed on Monday morning and will appear in court next month charged with drink driving.
Adrian Mutu fails another drug test. Fiorentina striker Mutu has tested positive for a banned substance, according to the Italian Olympic Committee.
A statement said traces of anti-obesity drug sibutramine were found in a sample after a Serie A match between his Fiorentina side and Bari on 10 January.
The 31-year-old tested positive for cocaine in 2004 while at Chelsea.
Mutu was banned for seven months by the Football Association, but he could face a four-year ban for a second offence.
Sibutramine is an appetite suppressant drug used for obese people, although it was recently banned in the UK amid fears over the increased risks of heart attacks and strokes.
Romanian international Mutu has been in excellent form for the Florence-based club, scoring seven times this season - including a goal in the 2-1 win over Bari.
But away from the pitch a Swiss Federal Court is nearing a ruling on his appeal against the Court of Arbitration for Sport, which said he must pay Chelsea 17m Euros (£14.62m) for breach of contract.
Daryl Harper, the Aussie 3rd Umpire forgets to turn the volume up on his mic!
England will make an official complaint over a controversial umpiring decision on the second day of the fourth Test against South Africa in Johannesburg.
Third umpire Daryl Harper allegedly failed to turn up the speaker volume when England referred a caught behind appeal against Graeme Smith.
A noise was clearly audible on replays but Harper said he could not hear it.
"It was a crucial time, Graeme was only on 15, they had 36 on the board," said England coach Andy Flower.
Smith went on to make 105 as South Africa closed on 215-2, a lead of 35 in a match they have to win to level the series and retain the Basil D'Oliveira trophy.
Having been dismissed for 180 after choosing to bat first, England were desperate for an early breakthrough, with Smith - who hit 183 in the second innings of the third Test - a prize scalp.
And they were confident they had their man when the South African skipper appeared to edge a wide delivery outside off stump from Ryan Sidebottom into the gloves of Matt Prior in the fourth over of the morning session.
The wicketkeeper, slips cordon and the bowler all appealed in unison, but on-field umpire Tony Hill remained unmoved, prompting England to refer the decision to Harper.
Although a noise was clearly heard on television replays, the Australian official said he could not hear anything decisive and concurred with Hills's original not out decision, sparking dismay among England's players.
"He's obviously hit it because you can hear the nick on the replays," said Flower.
"I don't blame him (Smith) at all for standing his ground but certainly, with the technology available, I found it very surprising it was given not out."
Following the incident, an official investigation was conducted in conjunction with Sri Lankan match referee Roshan Mahanama, when it was discovered that Harper had his speaker turned up to level four out of 10.
"We had a couple of meetings with the match referee to clarify what went on because it was at a very important stage of the game when this took place," said Flower.
"At first he claimed the audio feed was different to Sky and SuperSport (channels providing live pictures). On a subsequent investigation we found that was not the case.
"I asked him (Mahanama) again and he explained that Daryl Harper had not deemed it necessary to turn the volume up on his microphone, which I find very strange when he's trying to listen for a nick."
Technological advances such as 'Snickometer' and 'hot spot', which are much more effective at breaking down caught behind decisions, are not in use for the series because host broadcaster SABC deemed the tools too expensive.
The first day of the crucial final Test was mired in controversy when opener Alastair Cook was given out lbw following a referral to a Morne Morkel delivery which England believed should have been called a no-ball.
"We didn't make a big issue about that, we thought we would bite our lips and get on with the game," added Flower. "But this incident is a step too far."
Although Smith confessed there was a noise, he stopped short of admitting he had edged the ball.
"There definitely was a noise but I didn't feel I touched the ball," he said.
"Maybe I did, maybe I didn't, but at the time I didn't feel that I did. I thought it was my thumb on the handle.
"It's not my job to discuss what the third umpire heard. We all knew what technology was available in this series, it was explained to use by (ICC general manager) Dave Richardson before the series started, so to be crying over spilt milk now is not right."
Matters got worse between England and Harper on the following day's cricket when De Villiers was twice reprieved by Daryl Harper after umpire Tony Hill had given him out caught at leg-slip on 11 and lbw playing no shot on 24. On the first occasion the TV pictures did not appear to give Harper sufficient grounds to overturn Hill's original decision. But England's biggest frustration with the batsman came when he had scored 41. He was given not out even though replays showed he had clearly edged a Ryan Sidebottom delivery. England had already used up their referrals.
England captain Andrew Strauss became the first Englishman since Stan Worthington at the Gabba in 1936 to lose his wicket to the first ball of a Test, as he was caught by Hashim Amla off Dale Steyn's very first delivery in the all-important final 4th Test against South Africa in Johannesburg.
Whoever at FIFA made up the rule for cautioning players for taking their shirts off after scoring a goal or just excitedly celebrating a goal, are complete killjoys and complete twats! Portsmouth's Younes Kaboul was sent-off at the weekend after taking his shirt off after an injury-time equaliser at Sunderland, Tim Cahill has been sent-off in the past for doing the same for Everton at Man City, and just recently Rangers' Kris Boyd was booked for smiling and showing his belly to the Falkirk home crowd after receiving some stick and then scoring. Yes Adebayor was rightly booked for his celebration for Man City at home to Arsenal, but the rest are just utterly ridiculous decisions.
Also who decided to give Barack Obama the Nobel Peace Prize this year. What the fuck has he done yet ?!? To be fair to him, he didn't look that comfortable accepting it, and he's a nice fella, wants to do right and we're sure he will, but surely there's people more deserving of the accolade.
Tiger Woods, the golfing living legend has had a bad week. First his missus finds some saucy text messages on his mobile and chases him out of the house, where he jumps into his car, only to drive into a tree and fire hydrant, while his wife smashes a 9-iron through the back window. Woods injures his arm in the crash and stumbles out of the car bleeding and falls to the ground semi-conscious. At first it is claimed that Woods' crashing of the car was a pure accident and that Mrs Woods was smashing the back-window in, to try and free the Tiger, but the truth soon comes out, and so does the news that Woods has been having three affairs, one of them when his wife was pregnant! Two of his mistresses were lovely birdies, but with the third (pictured below) Tiger has definately entered a bit of rough! The fact that his wife and mother of his three children is a beautiful blonde Scandinavian model, and that Woods' image is so squeaky clean, it definately makes him our Twat of the Week. To top things off, one of the 'other women' labeled Woods crap in bed!
Thierry Henry man-handles the luckless Ireland out of the 2010 World Cup Finals. The Irish FA asked FIFA for a replay but of course they refused. This is just what Blatter and Platini wanted....making absolutely sure that France and Portugal would get through their play-off games and book their tickets for South Africa. The time came a while back for video technology to be brought into the game and surely this latest disaster has made it even more vital. Perhaps it's time to have the extra officials like those being tried and tested in the Uefa Europa League. In fact the referee on the night had been having an exceptional performance. It's a real shame to label Henry a twat, as we love him here at 2-UpTop and he along with Arsene Wenger is everyone's favourite Frenchman. Even though he admitted to the crime almost immediately after the game, was quick to show sportsmanship by commiserating with the devastated Irish players, and has even called for a replay himself; there's no denying he handled the ball on purpose to get his country through the finals and we just can't condone that. So sorry Thierry, you've been a cheating French Twat!
The woman beater goes down for 18 months and won't have Wigan waiting for him when he get's out. King has always insisted it was a case of mistaken identity, but he was convicted by a majority of 10/2.
Wigan chairman Dave Whelan says Marlon King will never play for the club again after he was jailed for 18 months.
The striker, 29, was found guilty of sexual assault and actual bodily harm after he had been "cold-shouldered" by a female student in a London nightclub.
The incident occurred last December while he was on loan at Hull.
Whelan told BBC Radio 5 live: "We will now be in the process of severing his contract. To say the least I am really, really disappointed."
Whelan, who only learned on Tuesday that King was on trial at Southwark Crown Court, must follow Premier League rules and pay the player's wages for 14 days before terminating his contract.
The Latics chairman went on: "It's really upsetting and it just sets such a bad example for any youngster coming through who wants to be a professional footballer.
"He was on loan at the time to Hull City but I don't blame Hull City. Marlon King has got to accept full responsibility for this."
The assault happened at the Soho Revue Bar at a time when he was on loan with Hull City.
King was celebrating two occasions - his wife's latest pregnancy and the scoring of a winning goal - with a night out in the West End.
Prosecution lawyer Roger Daniells-Smith said King had struck up a conversation with his victim by saying: "Don't you know who I am? I'm a millionaire."
The striker was repeatedly "cold-shouldered" by the student.
The court heard she replied: "I don't care who you are; take your millionaire-self away from our table."
He groped the woman and she told him: "Don't do that, it's not nice. Don't touch me."
King was warned off her again but he continued to stroke the woman's hair and then told her she was not in his league, the court heard.
After she pushed him in the chest, King lost his temper and a moment of "completely gratuitous violence" led to him "smashing" the victim to the floor, jurors were told.
Two other people standing beside him were also knocked away as a result of the force of the blow he inflicted.
Several witnesses testified that King was responsible, despite his denial.
After groping and punching his victim at the Soho Revue Bar, breaking her nose, King briefly returned to Hull before spending a subsequent spell on loan at Middlesbrough in January.
The father of three, born in Dulwich, south London, finally made his way back to Wigan in the summer, but is now left without a club.
In 2002 King, who lives in Hertfordshire, served five months of a two-year prison sentence for handling a stolen car before being released on appeal.
A year later, he was convicted for common assault on two women he chased through London with a belt wrapped round his fist. And in 2006 he was convicted of threatening behaviour after slapping another woman and then spitting at her when police arrived.
Whelan explained how King had kept the club in the dark about the most recent, and most severe misdemeanour.
"It's been kept quite secret by the player. We knew he did something but we didn't know exactly what it was. When you read how serious it was, I mean striking a girl and breaking her nose and messing about like that, we didn't realise the severity of what was happening here.
"We knew he'd been charged with something but I was shocked by what he had actually done and I was shocked by the sentence. But if he deserves it then he's got to do it.
"I sat down with Marlon at the start of the season and said 'Marlon, if you want to play for Wigan Athletic you've got to settle down, train hard and go on the field and give your best.
"He never mentioned anything about this case and he promised me that he was going to train hard and he actually has trained hard, I have to say that.
"Once he's served his sentence, if he manages to get back into football, so be it, but he will never pull on the shirt of Wigan Athletic again."
However, King's agent Tony Finnegan, the former Crystal Palace pro, said the player was certain to find employment with another club after serving his sentence.
Finnegan told BBC Radio 5 live: "He has rights as a professional athlete. When you are a footballer you want to play football.
Let's say he does his time and comes out afterwards. Do you expect him to work for McDonalds? Someone - you trust me on this - will sign him to score goals
"Let's say he does his time and comes out afterwards. Do you expect him to work for McDonald's? Someone - you trust me on this - will sign him to score goals, because that's what he does best.
"He'll be devastated sitting in a cell with someone tonight. This ain't a movie, this is real life. No-one expected this."
Bobby Barnes, deputy chief executive of the Professional Footballers Association, believes Wigan are within their rights to dismiss King.
"The clubs rules would say that this constitutes gross misconduct," Barnes told BBC Radio 5 live.
"He's been convicted of a criminal offence and most right-minded people would find it difficult not to constitute that as gross misconduct so I think they would be on firm ground to make that decision."
King, a Jamaica international, started his professional career with Barnet, before moving to Gillingham.
He next signed for Nottingham Forest, who briefly loaned him out to Leeds United, before making his Premier League debut with Watford in the 2006-07 season.
In January 2008, he made his move to Wigan for an initial £3m on a three-and-a-half year contract with a £40,000-a-week salary.
The FIFA Chairman slagged off England's 2018 World Cup bid and threatens that if we don't impress him or get David Beckham involved full-time, to forget any chance of hosting the tournament in the near future.....who the fuck does he think he is! Blatter and Warner....what a pair of twats!!
Sol Campbell takes his ball and goes home after just one game for Notts County.
The Sol-Man is a thorughly decent, thoughtful and honest man, and has given the game of football many many years of pleasure and service (sorry Spurs fans), but what was he thinking when he went to Notts County in the first place, let alone expect the stadium and training ground be renovated in the space of three months, and that they were going to sign the likes of Benjani and Roberto Carlos.............in fact they signed Ade Akinbiyi this week!
So Sol's walkout of the club was the act of a petulant child who couldn't get his own way, and now looks like he won't be able to play for anyone else until the January transfer window.
This is a shame as although he was looking a bit immobile last season for Pompey in the Premier League, Campbell could do a great job for a top Championship side.
Why couldn't he just suck it and see on his forty grand a week until January or even get into the coaching side of things at County, before making a bit of a twat of himself, and not for the first time in his career.
Sol Campbell has been a legend for England, Arsenal and Pompey; let's hope he can finish his career with a bit more dignity, than he showed this week when he walked out on the oldest football league club in the world.
Damien Hirst: Loses Face
If Damien Hirst doesn't lighten-up, then a teenage graffiti artist faces financial ruin and jail.
The British artist was first horribly offended that Cartrain spoofed his famous jewel-encrusted platinum skull in a series of collages.
They are actually quite amusing. In one, Cartrain used a pair of glasses to caricature Hirst, who was most definately not amused.
Last year, Cartrain was ordered to give all his works to muli-millionaire Hirst, along with the piddling £200 he had made from them.
So in revenge, he swiped a few pricey pencils from Hirst's exhibition, leaving a cheeky ransom note that demanded the return of his art, or else "the pencils will be sharpned".
Yes, the pencils are valuable, but is it worth ruining this kid's life and career??
We're not sure when Hirst lost his perspective/sense of humour/mind, but it probably came somewhere between creating that formaldehyde shark and the giant plastic male torso.
Hirst needs to take the compliment rather than the sting of Cartrain's interpretation of his art....and get over it.
Has Hirst really forgotten what it's like to be a struggling and young risk-taking artist.
KAYNE WEST acts a twat at the MTV awards.
A half-pissed Kayne West crashed the stage as teen singer Taylor Swift was accepting her MTV gong for Best Female Video.
He grabbed the mic from the country starlet and declared she was an unworthy winner and Beyonce actually deserved the prize for Single Ladies. He said: "Sorry Taylor, but Beyonce had one of the best videos of all time."
But tactless Kanye was left the villain as he was booed by the celeb-filled audience at New York's Radio City Music Hall.
The crowd then rose to their feet to cheer tearful Taylor as she left the podium.
To make matters worse for Kanye, Beyonce also knocked his rude interruption. As JAY-Z's missus later accepted the show's top gong, Video Of The Year for Single Ladies, she reacted with total grace by inviting Taylor back on stage.
The Bootylicious one said: "I remember being 17 years old, up for my first MTV award with Destiny's Child, and it was one of the most exciting moments in my life, so I'd like for Taylor to come out and have her moment."
West must have realised he dropped a bollock when Barack Obama weighed in about his MTV awards blunder.
The US President called Kanye a "jackass" for storming the stage and telling teen singer Taylor Swift that her gong for Best Female Video should have gone to Beyonce.
We've all done some stupid pissed-up things at awards nights and work's functions, but probably not in front of that many people and broadcasted live to the whole world!
He's since apologised to Taylor Swift on the Jay Leno Show.